my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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