your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
