Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
