I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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