My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
