She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
