you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
