I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
