he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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