Will you blow on my dice?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
