u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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