Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
