My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
