Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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