how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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