Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
