this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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