I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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