i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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