Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
