i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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