Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
