any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
