ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
