I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
