i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
