tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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