if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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