hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
