If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
