One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
