Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and she was petting her beer can
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
FUCK WHALES
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
