I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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