I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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