I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
