ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
