my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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