a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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