We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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