I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
