Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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