Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
