this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
