i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
