So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
