Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
