so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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