She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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