yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
