false alarm. still invincible.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
