How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
