i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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