I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
