You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
