What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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