Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
