I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
