New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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