Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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