Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
